Written in 2014, published in 2016 for a few weeks and then I made it private again and here it is now. I've since already spoken about the sexual abuse I've experience in the Facebook Live videos.
Just the other day, I had a conversation regarding the rampant low self-esteem in the teenage girls of our generation. It reminded me of a non-fiction book I read back in 1995 about a longitudinal research study conducted with teenage girls of different ethnic and racial backgrounds. It basically found that overall most adolescent girls suffered from low self esteem as a result of their body size and shape but white girls were much more conscious of their bodies than their counterparts. A very high percentage of white girls thought they were "fat" while black girls were much more comfortable in their own skin. Latin girls tended to shift between the two extremes.I started to reflect on my own issues with my body that I've struggled with over the years. I've never and I mean, never been a size 6 which for me was my ideal size. I am also aware that I've used food as a friend to comfort me when I felt bad about myself. I am a survivor. I was sexually abused from the age of 2 years old to about 12 years old...by six different people that I remember. I was molested but thank God, never raped. I didn't think anything of it at the time or even for years as an adult because I just assumed that everyone around me had been too. It was only as an adult that the enormity of my experience finally dawned on me.
It happened while I was in the middle of attending a NLP (Nuero Linguistic Programming) Workshop. I was paired with a partner to practice a change work exercise. But instead of what we were suppose to do, up came these memories and emotions that my partner knew were more than she could handle. She immediately called the Master Trainer who worked with me to process the memories and the pain. I came home from that weekend thinking everything was fine but it so wasn't. I had just had a miscarriage of my first pregnancy after being married and I had been devastated. And to top it off, here were all these memories to deal with.Now before I go any further, I think it's important that I explain that I wasn't molested on a daily basis for ten years...no nothing like it...it was occasionally and far and few between but even one incident and one perpetrator is one too many and I had six different ones that I could remember and at least a dozen or so incidents that I can recall. But I had a happy childhood overall inspite of this. Remember, I didn't realize the severity of it until I was an adult.Anyways, I fell into a state of depression as I processed the grief and literally went through the 5 stages of grief. For about six months, I was angry, so angry at the grown men, the teenage boy who lived down the hall, a few others and even an older male cousin who violated an innocent little girl. I was a pretty baby, fair skinned and sweet looking. It was almost like I had a sign on my forehead that said, "Molest me!" Next came the sadness. The tears just wouldn't stop! I cried and cried for the little girl who went through it all, being confused and feeling guilty. Confused because she knew it was wrong but it felt good at times and guilty for actually enjoying it at times. You see, we are physically wired to enjoy sexual stimulation no matter what our age or maturity.And finally I plea bargained with God. Now remember I had just had a miscarriage. So the bargain was, "God let me have a child and I promise you I will protect him/her so that he/she never has to experience the pain that I did." Finally, I made my peace! I was a survivor! I was who I was because of the sum of my experiences and that included being molested. This was back in 1997. My son, Aly, who is now 16 years old was born the next year. And when I finally completed my Masters of Social Work degree in 2008 and started working in a residential drug rehab program as a therapist, I had a sixth sense of knowing when a client, male or female, had been sexually abused, before they told me. I was able to work with many clients using various NLP techniques to help them release the pain and guilt from those extremely painful experiences. That is when I realized that going through the sexual abuse had a purpose and a reason. I went through it and was able to work through it so that I could help others. My life is and has always been about service to others. But I've had to experience certain things including the experience of going through a divorce and being a single mom to help me understand that first hand. Its like I attended not just university to get a Bachelors and Masters degree, but I attended the school of life!Wow, I so did not intend to share all this here. God knows, I've wanted to for years but I've always convinced myself that sharing this would be embarrassing for my family and I would open myself to criticism and judgement. But I'm at a point in my life where sharing these are crucial to my life's work and purpose. And if someone choses to judge me in that, that's on them. I'm absolutely okay with that. Also, for those who are wondering where my parents were in all of this, my mom was only seventeen years old when she had me and was totally unaware of what was going on. And of course I said nothing due to fear and conflicting guilt.As much as I had processed my past, there was still a part of it that just stayed with me. I didn't know how to handle the attention of men. I was actually a cute size 12 after marriage and needless to say, men hit on me. They flirted with me and made innuendos which I found to be very uncomfortable and so I ate...and I gained weight and I went into a depression and I became invisible. Seriously, who hits on a depressed, overweight, fat woman? Nobody! So it worked for a while. But sleep walking through life is never the answer. And I wasn't created to sleep walk through my life. So I woke up. The divorce was a wake up call... and such an effective one. And now ten years later, I stand before you, single, independent, strong, grounded and let's not forget, beautiful in my own skin.Update: I wrote this piece over 2 years ago and back then I had shared it with a select group of friends who responded with love and empathy. Many also shared their own personal struggles with sexual abuse that they had never spoken about. I share this piece now with the intention to create a safe and respectful space for anyone to share anything that they need to get off your chest.
Thank you in advance for keeping an open mind and heart.
Love, Light and Blessings,From one sufi to another.Anita
