So you want to kill yourself?

Life is beautiful and shitty! Life is full of ups and downs.  Happy times and sad times and then we have those gut wrenching, life changing, heart cracking, you never being the same you times, which brings pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  Failure in any form is painful, be it getting fired,  going through a divorce, being cheated on, lied to, losing your house, your business, your spouse, your kids, your life as you knew it. Yes, I get it. Trust me I do.

I am a survivor. I have survived sexual abuse. I have survived moving to a new country without any papers and getting stopped by my so called classmates, big white boys in 8th grade who were bullies and decided to stop me as I was walking into math class to ask me, "Where is your green card?" And me mumbling something about, "I don't carry it with me." Of course I didn't have any legal status until a couple decades later when I not only got my green card but actually took the oath and became an American citizen.

Then there was divorce almost ten years ago. My life turned upside down. My head was in a fog. I didn't know who I was as my identity as the wife of a handsome pilot was no more. I was still a mom, and being that I had two little boys under the age of six, I had to keep going. I had to for their sake. So I did!

Have I thought about ending it? Checking out? Killing myself? I can't even begin to tell you how many times that thought has crossed my mind since being just a little girl back in India. But things were never bad enough for me to want to check out.

Suicide is the desire to want to end one's pain.  Suicide is one's desire to end one's life by any means possible because one feels stuck in a deep, dark pit with no way out. Suicide might begin to appear as this easy way out. It may even begin to sound like an enchanting idea until it almost becomes like an obsession. But let me tell you....suicide is never the answer. There is no judgement on my part. I get the pain. I do! But sadly, I've also been around to witness the aftermath that the family and friends of those checking out are left behind to deal with. It might seem like the only out, the only end to the hopelessness one might feel. But PLEASE BELIEVE ME...IT'S NOT. Suicide is not the answer. Checking out is NEVER THE SOLUTION.

I have my own spiritual understanding of how and why we choose to be born. I believe that we pick when we want to be born. We pick the loved ones, our fellow souls that we make soul agreements with, to learn and grow from each other. We choose the lessons we would like to learn in this lifetime, in this body, so that our soul can get one step closer to it's final goal of being self realized. But when we decide to check out, to end this life; we just decided to not complete our end of the agreement. I don't know why I know this, but I do know that when you end your life, the minute you end your life, you will experience guilt and regret at having ended it. I also know that at some point, you will choose to come back so that you can work on the same or different lessons. But then you must start by being born and going through childhood, the awkward teenage years and finally being an adult.


So on a day when life just gets to be too much, here are a few things you might try not in any particular order:

- Call it a night and go to bed early. I find that even the worst of situations look and feel better after a good night's rest.

- Call a friend and talk about it. But make sure you pick the right kind of friend who will be emphatic and listen instead of a friend who might end up projecting their own unresolved conflicts upon you.

- PRAY! Talk to HIM. Ask Him to help you. Surrender to Him and watch things unfold. Trust HIM!

- Go for a run or a swim. Exercise and let your natural endorphins kick in to level your mood. I realize that these won't solve whatever life problems you're dealing with, but it will, Inshallah (God willing), give you the oomph you need to keep going.

- If things get dire, please seek professional help. Go see a psychiatrist or your primary doctor and discuss the possibility of getting on some kind of anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medications. It might just be for a month or two but even if its for longer, so be it. A calm and stable you is much more important that the inconvenience of taking medications daily.

- Go talk to a therapist/ psychologist, social worker or counselor. Talking to a professional is very different than talking to your best friend. In my experience, friends and associates tend to stay away from a sad/depressed person like rats fleeing a ship. Or give you a very biased unsolicited opinion on your situation at hand and perhaps do more harm than good. But a trained therapist will help you work through your thoughts and feelings so that you have clarity and eventually peace of mind.

- Call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). There is someone at the other end of the line who will listen to you and help you get through the night.

Pastor and popular author, Rob Bell, has explained that the fact that you're breathing means that your life matters.  To have been given the gift of breath means that one's been given the gift of life. He explains that each of our life matters because we all individually have a purpose, every last one of us has a purpose. So face life with an open and loving heart and an adventurous spirit as you live your purpose or at least work on figuring out what that is.

Love, Light and Blessings,


Anita

Understanding Depression

Depression is real!

Depression is a disease just like diabetes, cancer, high blood pressure or heart disease.

Depression sucks the life out of the person suffering from it.
Depression also affects those that are close to him/her.

Depression is misunderstood by most!

My intent in writing this post is to help explain the lonely and frustrating experience of a person living with depression, discuss the various causes and types of depression and possible treatment options.
I'll also discuss the stigma of medication and the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist.


I started writing this post back in November of 2011 and it has taken me this long to finally complete it. 
This is an extremely long post but I've split it into smaller sections so that it's more palatable.
One might need to read it more than once to digest all the information provided here.
I hope you find it useful.
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Q: What causes a person to feel depressed? 

A: There is a spectrum/ range of the types of depressions, onsets (what causes it) and severity of symptoms.

There is short-term depression and long-term depression. 
These are NOT the official diagnostic terminologies from the DSMIV Manual. 
The DSMIV Manual is what psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers and other health-care professionals use to determine a diagnoses.
The terms I am using in this explanation are to help you understand the overall puzzle of depression with the various puzzle pieces.
Short-term depression is usually caused by a critical event such as:

- the death of a loved one

- experiencing a breakup (relationship, divorce or even a close friendship)

- experiencing a traumatic event/incident such as an accident, abusive situation (physical, verbal, sexual abuse), war or a natural disaster such as a hurricane, earthquake, etc.

A person who endures a critical event might experience a short-term depression state that may last anywhere between 6-8 weeks.

Usually during this period, he/she will go through the 5 Stages of Grief as per Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler.

The 5 Stages of Grief (not always in this particular order) are:

1. Denial - This is when an individual doesn't want to believe that the person is gone/dead or that a relationship, or their life as they knew it, is over. 

 So they continue to pretend and act as if nothing has changed. 

They don't want to and are not ready to accept the reality that life is different now due to the occurrence of the critical event.

2. Anger - In this stage, the individual begins to realize that the critical event has occurred and they are angry about the fact that it happened. 

They might verbally lash out at those trying to to help him/her make peace with the critical event.

They might express their anger toward God or their Higher Power.

3. Bargaining - In this stage, the individual attempts to make "deals" with God or their Higher Power.

They might agree to "change their ways" in exchange for the undoing of the critical event.

They might agree to do something different just so that things can go back to the way things were prior to the critical event.

4. Depression - In this stage, the individual starts to realize that no matter what "deals" they agree to, there is no undoing what has already occurred. 

This is when they start to feel sad, hopeless, lonely, and depressed.

 Some might cry excessively during this period, 

while others might resort to isolating themselves from others.

5. Acceptance - After a few weeks or months of being depressed, the individual finally begins to accept the reality of their life post the critical event. 

They make peace with it and begin to move on with their life.

They start to recreate a new "normal"and continue their journey in life.
But it is important to note that a person can go back and forth between these stages at any time.

________

Then there is"Long Term Depression". 
An individual might be genetically predisposed to depression due to having a family history of depression or other mental illnesses.
A person who is predisposed to depression does not necessarily have a cause that triggers depression.
They might just start to feel "out of it", "tired", "fatigued", "angry", or "anxious" due to no logical explanation.

Yet in other individuals, depression might manifest itself due to the occurrence of a critical event such as being sexually molested, experiencing a traumatic event, or even experiencing a hormonal change due to pregnancy in women.
___________

Now within "Long Term Depression" there are 2 distinct types of Depression.

The two types are either: 
1. Extreme sadness 
or  
2. Extreme sadness with anxiety.

1. An individual with "Extreme Sadness" might demonstrate/experience the following symptoms:
 Extreme sadness, hopelessness, being exhausted all day and loss of interest in daily life. 

This person has difficulty finding pleasure in life and feel overwhelmed with the day to day responsibilities of life.

The person who feels sad may also feel very lonely, hopeless, frustrated, tired, sleepy, and might get easily irritated with others around them.

They might either have an increase or decrease in their appetite.
Its important to note that one of the first things a person living with depression does is they stop taking care of their personal hygiene and they isolate from others.

They might not brush their teeth or shower for days. 
They might hang around the house in their pajamas.
They lose interest in making themselves look presentable.
They're simply too tired.


An individual with "Extreme Sadness with Anxiety" still experience extreme sadness, but in addition might experience the following symptoms: Anxiety,  repeated thoughts about what might or might not occur.
This individual's mind might feel like it's going 90 mph.
They are unable to turn their thoughts off and thus are unable to rest, relax and even sleep.
They get frustrated with those around them and often lash out at them.
This person is grouchy and unpleasant to be around.
They are almost like a hamster running on it's never-ending wheel. They want to feel better but just don't know how to get off the wheel of sadness and anxiety.
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Possible Treatment Options


 A healthy lifestyle including a balanced diet and regular exercise go a long way in helping create endorphins to make a person feel better.

But this may not be enough for a person living with depression. 
An individual living with depression might simply lack the energy or motivation to make healthy eating choices or work out.


Therapy and/or counseling always help but is not always enough for all.
A person going through Short Term Depression will definitely benefit from counseling/therapy. 
The therapist/ counselor helps the individual, process the incident and the feelings experienced as a response to the incident.
The individual with the therapist's help, is able to move past the incident and make peace with it.


A person living with Long Term Depression will definitely benefit from counseling but they might also need to be on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication along with a healthy lifestyle.


It is sad that even in 2012, there is a stigma attached to taking 
anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications.
Individuals taking the medication might feel judged by others and feel that they are somehow inadequate or broken because they need to take a "happy pill" as some refer to it.


BUT THIS IS NOT TRUE!!! 


Let me ask you a few questions:
Would we tell a person diagnosed and living with diabetes to NOT take their insulin and other medication?
What about a person who has high blood pressure?
Would we ever suggest to them that they should just "think themselves into getting well".
How about a person living with cancer?
 Would we suggest to them that they just pray themselves to good health and not take any of the recommended treatments options.


See how ridiculous this sounds?


Not this is how one sounds when they suggest to a person living with depression that they should just "be happy". 
Long term depression causes a chemical imbalance in the brain that needs to be balanced by taking medication made specifically for it.


There is nothing wrong with an individual living with Long Term Depression. 
But they do have a disease that needs to be treated.


As far as prayer goes, I strongly believe in the power of prayers. But prayer cannot replace medication.
A person living with depression might not feel much like "praying" or doing anything else. 
That is normal!!!!
This is a symptom of their depression.


There are also other natural alternatives such as Ginkgo Biloba which are said to help with mood disorders such as depression/anxiety.


Also, an individual living with depression MUST be under the constant care of a psychiatrist while taking medications.
Our bodies change and respond differently to the medications over time.
Also, initially we need to figure out which medicine is right for us. There are numerous medications available and the psychiatrist is the only one who is qualified to prescribe the medication, adjust a dose or wean you off the meds.


Quick explanation about the differences between a psychologist and a psychiatrist:
A psychologist has their PhD in psychology and are trained to do counseling with their patients.
Similarly, social workers, mental-health professionals, marriage and family therapists are all trained to counsel individuals, couples or families.
BUT a psychiatrist is a medical doctor who specializes in treating mental illnesses  and disorders with medication.
Therefore, it is extremely important that an individual needing medication be under the direct care of a psychiatrist or their family doctor.


Issues with medications:
- It might be a process to figure out the right medication and dose for a specific individual. 
Also, as time progresses, the medication or dose might need to be increased, decreased or changed depending on the patients response to the medication.
Thus, monthly visits are necessary to discuss the effectiveness of the medication and to explore other options if need be.


One of the biggest mistakes made by a person taking medication is that they stop taking the medication cold-turkey.
For example, a person is depressed, goes to the doctor and gets a prescription, takes the meds for a few months or years and start to feel much better.
In fact, they feel so good that they simply forget how "depressed" they really were. 
They might start skipping doses and notice that they still feel "good" so without the doctor's knowledge or permission, they simply stop taking their medication.
This is the WRONG thing to do!
Because a person taking meds builds up the meds in their body. 
When they first stop taking the meds, they feel good because the stored/built up medication is being used by the body to maintain an equilibrium.
As the stored medicines are exhausted, the individual will experience a "crash". 
They will experience even stronger symptoms than the first time they were depressed or anxious.


A individual taking medication MUST  continue taking medication for as long as need it.
If they decide to stop taking the meds, they need to do so in consultation with their psychiatrist or family doctor.
The suggested plan is to wean oneself off the medication over a period of time instead of just stopping completely.
Medication improves one's quality of life!!!
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People try to be helpful to a person living with depression. 
They offer suggestions and ideas to make the person feel better.
But the reality is that these people often annoy and irritate a person living with depression because they simply fail to understand the disease.
If you suspect someone is depressed, encourage them to go see a psychiatrist or family doctor.
Do encourage them to go work out with you but don't be too pushy.
Be supportive, be loving, be non-judgmental!
Be willing to just BE present with a person living with depression.
Give them their space!
And respect and acknowledge their journey with depression.
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There is so much to say on this topic but I'll stop for now.
I pray that you find this information helpful.
Wishing you Love and Light,
From one sufi to another,
anita

From our biggest failures, come our biggest blessings!

We've all experienced failure and loss. That is part of life.  There are as many different ways that one can fail as there are people. Failing a class or failing at a marriage which ends in divorce are both painful experiences for the person experiencing the failure. Getting fired, getting laid off, or losing your business and God forbid, your family home are also examples of loss that many of us have experienced in these tough economic times.

Yet I keep hearing this one idea repeatedly and although it's such a simple and obvious idea, I wonder why I seem to forget it so easily.
The idea is that, "From our biggest failures, come our biggest blessings."

When a marriage or a relationship fails, it affects not only the married couple and their children (if they have any), but it also affects their extended family and the community at large. Divorce is the death of a marriage and thus it is normal for the parties involved to mourn the loss of the relationship and the dreams, hopes and the life that once was. It is normal to go through the different stages of grief which are denial, anger, depression, plea bargaining and acceptance, not necessarily in that order.

But after that process is done, the individuals involved are free to move on with their lives. They are free to truly live and be happy. Life is tough for a while, but eventually the fog lifts and life is good again. Human beings are like uncut diamonds which shine the brightest when chipped. The more chips on the diamond, the brighter the shine, the higher the value. Thus our darkest hours serve as the best environment for our souls to grow and shine. But the key is to get through the different stages of grief and to not allow ourselves to get "stuck" in any one place. WE MUST KEEP GOING!!!!

Getting fired or losing your business feels humiliating no matter what the circumstances. But getting fired or losing your business could be the blessing in disguise which might open up the exact avenues for you to be successful in life. Maybe now you can go back to school and finish that degree you weren't able to before or switch careers altogether.

Loss, grief, pain, hurt, sadness are all feelings we've had to experience in life by default of being alive. But so are JOY, LOVE, LAUGHTER, PEACE and CONTENTMENT! Mowlana Sultan Muhammad Shah has said in his Farmans and I paraphrase, "If 1/20 of your dreams are realized, then you truly are a lucky individual."
I believe that you reading this is proof that you have access to technology and live in a society where freedom of speech is a given and you have choices. One of the NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) pre-suppositions is that, "Choice is better than no choice!" We are blessed that we have choices to make. It might not be the ones we wish we had, but at least we have a choice.  Unfortunately, 90% of the world living in ultra-poverty don't have that option. So let's keep an open and grateful heart.

May you find peace, love, happiness, joy and contentment in your lives.
May you surrender to the experiences and allow yourselves to learn, grow and shine from your darkest hours.
May you always know, believe and feel that HE has you in the palm of his hands. You are sooooo loved!!!!

Love and Light,
From one sufi to another,
anita

These gorgeous birds are in our backyard every morning. I've always said that we live in paradise aka Florida! Shukranlillah Walhamdullilah!