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Thursday, February 19, 2015

So you want to kill yourself?

Life is beautiful and shitty! Life is full of ups and downs.  Happy times and sad times and then we have those gut wrenching, life changing, heart cracking, you never being the same you times, which brings pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  Failure in any form is painful, be it getting fired,  going through a divorce, being cheated on, lied to, losing your house, your business, your spouse, your kids, your life as you knew it. Yes, I get it. Trust me I do.

I am a survivor. I have survived sexual abuse. I have survived moving to a new country without any papers and getting stopped by my so called classmates, big white boys in 8th grade who were bullies and decided to stop me as I was walking into math class to ask me, "Where is your green card?" And me mumbling something about, "I don't carry it with me." Of course I didn't have any legal status until a couple decades later when I not only got my green card but actually took the oath and became an American citizen.

Then there was divorce almost ten years ago. My life turned upside down. My head was in a fog. I didn't know who I was as my identity as the wife of a handsome pilot was no more. I was still a mom, and being that I had two little boys under the age of six, I had to keep going. I had to for their sake. So I did!

Have I thought about ending it? Checking out? Killing myself? I can't even begin to tell you how many times that thought has crossed my mind since being just a little girl back in India. But things were never bad enough for me to want to check out.

Suicide is the desire to want to end one's pain.  Suicide is one's desire to end one's life by any means possible because one feels stuck in a deep, dark pit with no way out. Suicide might begin to appear as this easy way out. It may even begin to sound like an enchanting idea until it almost becomes like an obsession. But let me tell you....suicide is never the answer. There is no judgement on my part. I get the pain. I do! But sadly, I've also been around to witness the aftermath that the family and friends of those checking out are left behind to deal with. It might seem like the only out, the only end to the hopelessness one might feel. But PLEASE BELIEVE ME...IT'S NOT. Suicide is not the answer. Checking out is NEVER THE SOLUTION.

I have my own spiritual understanding of how and why we choose to be born. I believe that we pick when we want to be born. We pick the loved ones, our fellow souls that we make soul agreements with, to learn and grow from each other. We choose the lessons we would like to learn in this lifetime, in this body, so that our soul can get one step closer to it's final goal of being self realized. But when we decide to check out, to end this life; we just decided to not complete our end of the agreement. I don't know why I know this, but I do know that when you end your life, the minute you end your life, you will experience guilt and regret at having ended it. I also know that at some point, you will choose to come back so that you can work on the same or different lessons. But then you must start by being born and going through childhood, the awkward teenage years and finally being an adult.

So on a day when life just gets to be too much, here are a few things you might try not in any particular order:

- Call it a night and go to bed early. I find that even the worst of situations look and feel better after a good night's rest.

- Call a friend and talk about it. But make sure you pick the right kind of friend who will be emphatic and listen instead of a friend who might end up projecting their own unresolved conflicts upon you.

- PRAY! Talk to HIM. Ask Him to help you. Surrender to Him and watch things unfold. Trust HIM!

- Go for a run or a swim. Exercise and let your natural endorphins kick in to level your mood. I realize that these won't solve whatever life problems you're dealing with, but it will, Inshallah (God willing), give you the oomph you need to keep going.

- If things get dire, please seek professional help. Go see a psychiatrist or your primary doctor and discuss the possibility of getting on some kind of anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medications. It might just be for a month or two but even if its for longer, so be it. A calm and stable you is much more important that the inconvenience of taking medications daily.

- Go talk to a therapist/ psychologist, social worker or counselor. Talking to a professional is very different than talking to your best friend. In my experience, friends and associates tend to stay away from a sad/depressed person like rats fleeing a ship. Or give you a very biased unsolicited opinion on your situation at hand and perhaps do more harm than good. But a trained therapist will help you work through your thoughts and feelings so that you have clarity and eventually peace of mind.

- Call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). There is someone at the other end of the line who will listen to you and help you get through the night.

Pastor and popular author, Rob Bell, has explained that the fact that you're breathing means that your life matters.  To have been given the gift of breath means that one's been given the gift of life. He explains that each of our life matters because we all individually have a purpose, every last one of us has a purpose. So face life with an open and loving heart and an adventurous spirit as you live your purpose or at least work on figuring out what that is.

Love, Light and Blessings,


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